If you have ever found yourself licking your wounds after an argument with a partner while they seemed to have moved on, leaving you wondering what you missed, let’s try to gain some clarity together. Remember, relationships are a journey of growth and understanding. Exploring these emotional dynamics can pave the way for a more harmonious and fulfilling partnership.
If you found yourself nodding your head, let’s face it: you are either sleeping with a psychopath or a sociopath, OR you are much better at holding space for them. If the first one isn’t true based on other experiences that offer evidence that they are indeed not psychotic, then congratulations, you are emotionally mature! Or at least more emotionally mature than your partner. So what does this mean, being more emotionally mature?
Holding space for another person in a conversation is not just a skill; it's a powerful tool for building deeper connections. It means that you can hear what they are saying through an empathetic lens and be in tune with what they are not necessarily verbalizing but are still sharing with you. When we listen to understand, we remember who the person standing before us is while learning something new about who they are and who they are becoming. This empathetic approach can foster a stronger bond in your relationship.
I have seen couples as a therapist for close to 9 years, and one of the things I do is ask them to be specific when we are discussing areas of improvement. I don’t accept answers of “he’s doing better” or “I’m still alive.” I like to hear ways that my clients are listening with an understanding of their partner's past, who their partner feels they are at that moment, and the improvements being made, showing them who they are becoming. This is important because it is the measuring tool I use to show growth. Typically, when I begin working with a client, I can hear areas that need improvement when, let’s say, one wife shares that her feelings are hurt whenever her wife looks at her phone on a date. When the immediate reaction is, “You do it too,” that person listens to react, not understand. It may be true that both people use their phones at the table. Chances are, it means something entirely different for the two of them. They may even be on their phones for different reasons for various lengths of time. Does all that matter? It depends on them.
It’s always surprised me when couples have never set expectations when spending quality time with one another or in any other area of their relationship. There are usually bumps in the road that we can’t figure out until we get to that destination on the trip, but plenty of topics can be discussed and ironed out right from the beginning. There is much more to discuss in upcoming posts on what is being shared here!
These things lead to arguments, bickering, or whatever else you want to call it when two adults try to sort out a disagreement without turning into children. After an argument, how often does it feel like you have been stranded in your emotions? You find yourself feeling confused because, on the one hand, everything went back to “normal,” and your partner appears to be okay. On the other hand, you still feel how you felt before the argument, maybe even worse. If they have “moved on” and they are not psychotic (as far as you know), ask yourself if you may be better at holding space for another person. You might be better at listening, asking clarifying questions when needed, reflecting on what you heard and how they feel, validating them all the way around, and holding unconditional positive regard. If the answer is yes, then it’s no wonder they can move on so quickly. Does this mean that they can’t do the same for you?
It depends! Everyone’s favorite answer.
It depends on where they are in life and their journey to self-discovery and healing. It depends on resources and support systems outside of the relationship. It depends on whether or not they are ready to do the work needed to understand themselves better because, my dear, your full-time job isn’t figuring your partner out for them. Yes, you play a huge role in their healing and learning more about who they are, but you are not the one responsible. It doesn’t mean you need to hold all your incredible empathy for yourself (although you may want to sometimes). It may mean that you need to set more boundaries, ask them to go to couples therapy with you, ask them to go to individual therapy (I know this can be a touchy topic), or ask yourself if this is right for you at this point in your life.
With where you are in life, the growth you have had, the growth yet to come, is this person right for you right now? That is why I ask my clients, and now I am asking you to listen to your intuition. Your intuition knows all the information. What can be seen? What can’t be seen but can be felt?
I’m amazed by stories of people who held on just a little longer and went on to live their best lives together. So many stories are Lifetime movie-worthy that would have you on the edge of your seat cheering and sobbing tears of joy by the end. If you are consistently being invalidated, minimized, ignored, etc., that is not, in my opinion, something worth holding onto. You have to know when to show them and when to fold them, and only you know when the time is right. How can you trust your intuition if you can’t fully identify your feelings, or how can you make sense of those emotions? One of the many things I enjoy doing is teaching people how to tap into their intuition and develop a greater sense of emotional intelligence. If you feel you need this at this time in your life, you can read more about my services here. You can also follow me on TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, Threads, or YouTube to learn more.
If you find yourself licking your wounds, use that as your first clue that something is off and get curious about what that is. Keep love as the fuel that drives you, and make some changes, whether within yourself or your relationships. Whatever you do, make a move. I dare you.
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