I began working with a high performance coach shortly after I returned from HPX with Brendon Burchard in San Diego right before the world shut down (can we talk about great timing or what?). I happened to be standing in line behind a couple who came to the seminar together and thankfully they were willing to turn around and say hello to me. I say thankfully because I was so nervous. I already have a difficult time striking up conversations with people (at least surface level ones) and I wasn't sure what to expect. We were all at a seminar to enhance our lives and come back home as better people, so surely there would be people there who would be willing to go beneath the surface.
And there were...
There were close to I believe 3,000 people in that room for 3 days from sun up to sun down working through some hard, yet amazing things. My interaction with this couple would soon turn into a great friendship/mentorship/life-long family members! I love them dearly.
When I returned home I felt like I was on another planet and everyone around me was unrecognizable it seemed. I had just gone through this experience that I could feel begin to shift the trajectory of my future and I was not able to fully explain it to anyone.
But... I had my coach and my new friends to stay connected with and I was sure to do just that!
I signed up to work with my coach with a sense of excitement I hadn't felt since I was a kid and believed that Santa was real.
We went through 2 different modules together. In addition to working with him one-on-one, I also stay connected with the entire community that he built and these incredible people kept my head above water during a time where I felt like someone was trying pull me further under.
It is true I could feel the changes within me. I was feeling happier... but someone else noticed the changes too and I was changing the status quo. That was a big no no to do and I kept feeling this pull to go back to "the way things were".
But I didn't like the way things were. In fact, the way things were was slowly killing me.
The second module I worked through with my coach was so extremely difficult because I had to face some demons I had never shared with anyone before... not even my therapist. I had this way of putting a pretty bow on things and making it appear as though everything was okay. Ask my supervisors. I had to go through a lot of training to become a therapist and they will tell you that I make the prettiest bows. Just a side note, they were all so good at recognizing this and making me feel safe to put the bow down.
Between working with my coach, seeing my therapist simultaneously, and being out on my own in my private practice I could feel myself breaking...
But, breaking in a way that I needed to. That big ass bow I had been carrying around started to become unraveled and what you are about to read below is what I wrote, it's how I felt, when I was working through this module with my coach. I would not be surprised if a lot you can relate to some, if not all of what I was experiencing. I had to be clear on exactly what my problem was in life in order to break free from it. It took me several passes to get it all out (my coach was not pleased with what I first wrote). To be honest, I wasn't either. I knew there was more to "my problem" and the more it was coming to the surface, the more I wanted to push it back down. Why? Because once I fully acknowledged the problem, I could longer pretend like it was okay. It meant I was going to have to make some significant changes that I was not ready to make...
Or so I thought.
This is what I wrote:
My life design problem is viewing my existence as an inconvenience. Believing that
putting myself first in any capacity is selfish. Punishing myself in unbelievable ways for
having thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and feelings in general, but even more so when
those thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and feelings cause an uncomfortable ripple in other
peoples lives. I have not been tending to the part of myself that needs me most… My
Heart and Soul. I have often felt like a puppet on strings and at times have even wished
to be a “real” person. I have been living in the dark, feeling suffocated by its emptiness.
I have engaged in addictive behaviors that at several points could have ended my life.
This has caused a tremendous impact on the way I view myself and the ways in which I
show up in this world. Or perhaps the better way to say it… the ways in which I shrink in
this world. On a regular basis I operate from a place full of anxiety, depression, worry,
focusing too much on others, and being apologetic. My family has been impacted. My
kids tend to walk around on eggshells taking care of my emotional state, being sure not
to tip me over any more than I already am. This has left me feeling fragile and ashamed. Feeling like at any moment I could shatter. So, I have tried to overcompensate by staying quiet, reserved, and hidden. I will physically walk into a room, but I leave my “self” at the door believing there is not enough room for her. Doing so has only caused a vicious cycle that feels like it is sucking the life right out of me.
That is hard for me to read now.
I wrote this less than a year ago and the tears that were shed while I was pouring all of me onto paper could have filled a bucket.
It was so difficult to face myself and my life in this way but you guys.... it was totally worth it. Being vulnerable, even when we are being vulnerable with ourselves is one of the most difficult things to do. I wish I could say that being vulnerable is also equally as rewarding. It can be...when you surround yourself with the right people.
I 100% believe that had I not gone to that seminar, stood behind this couple in line, experienced the things I did while I was there, came back and stay connected and then began working with my coach and his community...
It would have all ended. Meaning, I wouldn't be here today. And that my friends is extremely heartbreaking.
Knowing where I was and where I currently am feels like years apart. But it's just barely been over a year since the seminar and I believe I started working with my coach last summer (I can't remember the exact date). By October of 2020 I was nearing the end of my time with my coach and during one of our sessions he shined a big bright light on how tired I seemed. Once people really get to know me, I am a ball of light and energy. There was no light left. There was not an ounce of energy. All because I was expending what I had left in me on not doing the one thing I knew I needed to do.
So... what was the one thing?
You'll have to wait to find out!
What I will share right now, is that it still took me another 3 months to say the words out loud and then another couple of months after that to actually DO the thing.
Even with all the work I had been doing, all the knowledge I had received, all the support I had, I still struggled to make a change. I didn't believe in myself enough. After years of being told that you couldn't have made it in life without another person, you start to believe you quite literally can't survive without them.
For those of you who are visual people like myself, I want to set the scene for what it felt like there at the end before I finally took the leap.
It felt like I was on a sinking ship. This ship had been sinking for a long time, only it was slow. It was slow because the cracks in the ship were so small and subtle at first that it was hard to even see them unless you were really looking. As time went on, the ship began to take on more and more water. The small little cracks started to widen, allowing more water to seep in. Now, as the ship takes on this water, I look down and I see my ankle is chained down. I look to my left and right and I see my children are chained too. The ship starts to sink faster and as I look off into the distance I spot a life raft, but we are out in the middle of the ocean. Who in the world is going to find us out here?
The fear really begins to set in at this point. My choices are to stay here chained to this ship with my children and we all drown, or we swim to the life raft and take our chances floating out in the middle of nowhere and pray that someone will find us. The life raft it is!! But wait! How do we get free from these chains? At this point I start to panic. I panic until someone who seems to come out of nowhere reaches down, grabs my hand and shows me that the key was right there with me all along. There truly are angels among us!
We clearly made it to the raft. And we made it back to shore where everyone who has ever loved and cared about us stood in celebration that we were finally free!
Now, one might ask where these people were while the ship was sinking. Every single person standing on the shore tried to help us. That's the thing when you are in the sort of vortex we were in... it's called a vortex for a reason. Nobody was getting in and nobody was getting out.
Until we did :)
I am so excited to be here today! The gratitude I feel for every person who showed up for me and my children is immeasurable. I sometimes get a bit flooded with these intense happy emotions that I am not sure what to do with except cry. So, if you see me crying, don't bother to ask me "what's the problem". Instead ask me "what's good".
The song below was played on the first night of the seminar when Brendon took the sea of people through a visualization exercise. I had just met a few new people moments before we did this exercise and we opened up to one another about some hard stuff. I COULD NOT believe I was talking to a handful of strangers about this stuff! After the exercise, which I bawled through, one of the women I had just met came over to me and grabbed me. She hugged me so tight I thought my soaked red eyeballs were going to pop right out. This sweet woman then placed her hands on my shoulders, pulled back far enough to where we could lock eyes and close enough to where I could still hear her and said...
"Casey, you are one incredible, strong human being. Don't you EVER let anyone tell you any different"
I felt those words. I didn't just hear them, I FELT them.
I went to my room that night and just sat in silence for at least an hour before I picked up my journal and began to write. I refer to this journal entry often to remind me of what happened that day and over the entire time I was there. I cannot wait to go back to HPX one day. There is a lot more I could share that happened while I was there and right after I got home. More and more blessings kept showing up for me and I am just thankful I was finally able to SEE and ACCEPT them. Those stories are for another day. Perhaps when I write my next book...
Whoever you are, wherever you are... if you are reading this and are struggling to keep your head above water, please don't give up! Have the tough conversations, lean on your support, DO the tough thing. But please don't give up!!
Until next time... the Joy is found in the Journey!
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