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Writer's pictureCasey McKinnis

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Let's change things up a bit shall we?


I was having a conversation with a friend of mine a few weeks ago about love. During our conversation she asked a great question.


"Casey, how do I know if I am in love or just love the idea of the person and the possibilities"?


This question has been on my mind a lot lately. After two failed marriages it may not seem like I would be the person to ask this question too. I'm not even sure that I have the answer, but I do have some thoughts that I think are worth sharing.


My first marriage, to a man, was exciting in a lot of ways. I used to dream of getting married when I was little. I always imagined it would be a woman standing with me in front of God, family and friends, but it was still exciting to be "the bride". I was more in love with the idea of living a straight "normal" life. A life I had hoped I would adjust to and over time be okay with. I loved the idea of having a family. I also loved the idea of not losing my family of origin. It seemed like there was a lot to look forward too. And to be honest, we had a lot of great times together. My ex-husband was my absolute best friend. It honestly killed me that he wasn't the one. Other than not being the gender I was attracted too, he was perfect for me. We are both goofballs, we love sports (although we still to this day have rival college football teams... BOOMER SOONER!!!!), we both love to be outdoors, and we always enjoyed each others company. There was never any shortage in laughter and we knew how to have a good time no matter what we were faced with.


Even then... I was not in love with him.


Then there is my my most failed marriage...


When my ex-husband and I split up I was so eager to "get out there". I was also scared out of my mind because I was a single mom with two kids and I had no idea where to begin. I once again found myself loving the idea of living my life, married (to a woman this time), and being free. There were qualities that I did love about her in the beginning. Almost a year into our relationship, I knew in my gut, to the point where I had a panic attack, that I was not in love with her. I had hoped that if I gave it more time that the feeling would change.


It never did... not really.


I found myself going along to get along until going with the flow started causing me all kinds of issues with my health. And now I am here today working to get my health back on track, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well.


After almost 10 years... I can say I was not in love with her either.


So, you might be asking right about now how in the world would I know the answer to the question that was presented to me. I'm getting there, but first let me point out what these two relationships had in common.


Commitment...


That's right. I may not have been in love, but I was committed to each of them. And yes there is a difference.


When I was beginning to work with couples as a therapist, I had a supervision session with my supervisor at the time who asked me if the couple I was consulting with him about were connected. I started to answer the question as if he had asked if they were committed. He stop me and asked me again, "Casey, are they connected. Is there a connection between them"?


The answer was no... they were not and what hit me so hard that day that I wasn't connected in my own marriage. It's no wonder I/we were struggling. We were both committed to our family, but we stopped trying to connect. I'm not sure we ever even began trying too.


That conversation with my supervisor woke me up. That was some time in 2018. I have spent the last couple of years scrambling to find ways for us to connect because I knew if we couldn't figure it out then we weren't going to make it. It was too late though. Every attempt was shut down and I was left standing alone feeling completely disconnected from my wife.... but what's worse is that I felt disconnected from myself. No amount of "please to go to counseling" was going to work. No amount of books, or podcasts, or trainings we listened to would have worked. We had spent so much time just managing day to day life that we lost ourselves and each other. And perhaps we were never whole people to begin with.


Either way, I have learned a great deal about love through these experiences including realizing that I have been in love before. One time, almost 19 years ago this year.





I fell in love so hard back then and it hit me out of nowhere. These are the sort of experiences you seem to hear about, but think "yeah right, as if".


I really was not expecting it people!


The problem was that this woman was/is straight. (sad face.. I know)


The good news is that we are still friends to this day and I love her dearly. I am not in love with her anymore, but she will always have a special place in my heart and in my life. Over the years we have gone several months, sometimes even years without speaking. And not because there was conflict or anything like that, but sometimes life throws you curveballs and knocks you down. We seem to always be there for one another when we need a little help getting back up. And if you are wondering if she ever knew... yes, she did. It could have been super romantic (cough, cough) but again... curveballs.


I am so thankful for this human being for reasons that go beyond what this post is intended for. Had it not been for the connection that we built and the deep love and respect we have for one another, I may still be sitting here today at 37 years old wondering what it feels like to be in love. Because of this experience with this woman, I know that it can happen and I know it will happen for me again one day. And hopefully this time it will be with a woman who can love me in the same ways I love her.


Hopeless romantic here!


So, to answer my friends question about being in love versus loving the idea of love. This may not be true for everyone, but this is at least what I know is true for me based on what I have experienced so far in my own relationships and now having the opportunity to work alongside couples in a therapeutic setting....


Is there connection between the two of you? Do you feel all warm and fuzzy as if someone just lit a fire in your soul? I'm not talking about a physical connection either. What I am describing here is an emotional connection that you can't put into words? Or maybe you can put it into words and if so let's hear about it!


When it came to the woman I once loved on this kind of a level, I found myself wanting to just hold her and listen to her talk. The thought of her smile, her laugh, or just the twinkle in her eye would almost bring tears to my eyes. In a good way too. I could almost feel her love for me wrapping itself around me even when she wasn't with me. When you are emotionally connected to someone it feels for me like you could take flight at any given moment. And after 19 years, when I think back to some pivotal moments we had, the memories flood my emotional gas tank and it can feel overwhelming.


Being in love with the idea of something or maybe even the potential of another person isn't enough for me anymore. I want to feel those same feelings again. Isn't that something we all desire at least at some point in our lives? To feel wanted?


To my future person, whoever you are..... I know we will find one another when the time is right. I am right here and I am not going anywhere.




Until next time... the Joy is found in the Journey!!!

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