The road I traveled back to Him, back to my Creator, was anything but linear. I am not sure if it had to be this way, but none-the-less, I eventually found Him again and in doing so, I also found myself.
When I first came out of the closet, I had just moved to Virginia after receiving my first orders. I joined the Navy in April of 2004 and was stationed on the USS Theodore Roosevelt in July of 2004. When I arrived to the ship for the first time, it felt like a scene straight out of a movie. It was late, my shipmates and I were tired and at the same time I believe we all were excited about the next chapter ahead. The ship was in the shipyards being worked on and I can remember pulling up to this massive ship feeling a knot in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to panic but also wanted to play it cool because my shipmates seemed thrilled AND there was a really cute woman driving us (who I later became great friends with). You guys. I think I might have thrown up in my mouth a couple of times. Yes that is super gross, but it is what it is.
Living in the barracks with what felt like a ton of other women had its ups and downs. Just imagine all that estrogen flowing through... sometimes it was a little too much. On the bright side of this though was beginning to meet several women who identified as lesbians. Even though this was a part of me I tried to fight off for years, I couldn't help but want to jump out of my skin with joy and excitement!! Finally!! I was surrounded by other people who were Just. Like. Me.
I joined during a time when the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy was still in full effect. Therefore, we all had to keep our sexuality on the down low. It was an interesting experience to try and explore this part of myself while simultaneously staying quiet because I didn't want to get kicked out. I already had an experience like that in college where I was kicked off the volleyball team for being a lesbian. I hadn't even come out at that time either. I just trusted the wrong person.
Back to the Navy...
I called my parents one evening from the sidewalk of a Wendy's in Virginia Beach to tell them that their daughter is a lesbian.
It did not go well.
When I arrived home a few months later to get my vehicle, my parents sat me down with all kinds of questions that eventually made me realize that they were not ready to accept me and to be honest, I wasn't either. I went back to Virginia with a determined heart and mind to "be straight". I was 20 years old at the time and I can say that I also was not ready to lose my family and this was a very real fear that I had.
On my long drive back I had several conversations with God. I was so angry. I was angry at Him, at my parents, at life, and at myself. I asked God over and over through my snot filled tears "why me"? I kept telling Him that if He truly does not make mistakes then why in the world was I here? Why did I feel this way towards women if it was so wrong to have these feelings?
Ya'll... I took that anger and bottled it up as much as I could. The problem is, you can't keep feelings locked up forever. They always find a way out.
My anger showed in the way I treated myself. I basically began punishing myself even more than I had previously through binge drinking, binge eating, purging, and using other forms of self abuse. My heart breaks for that person because she was so lonely and lost.
The first thing that began to save me? Becoming a mom.
I got married to my ex-husband in June of 2006 and we were married for about 4 years. During that time, God blessed us with a beautiful daughter in May of 2007 and then a hunk of a chunk of a son (he was almost 11 pound when was born) in March of 2009. These two started a change in me that I couldn't fully feel or name until years later. But I know that the one thing I wanted more than anything in my entire life was to become a mom. If I truly had been a mistake, then God would not have chosen me to be their mom.
I have had many conversations with God over the years. Some of the big moments in life where I felt His presence was when I divorced my ex-husband, came out to my family for the second time, began to create healthy boundaries with the people in my life, started dating women, went back to further my education... the list goes on and on.
When I started going to a private Christian University and then later began working at the counseling center, I came face to face with the tension that I had felt over the years, but had kept at a safe distance. I was now faced with choosing to hide myself and try to blend in as just another straight girl or be my authentic self. I am sad to admit this, but I started off trying to blend in. The picture on the left was taken right before my divorce with my ex-husband was finalized. The picture on the right is of me today.
Between having conversations with my peers, my professors, and then eventually my clients... I was having conversations about God, different forms of religions, belief systems, world views and more on a daily basis. There were days I felt like my brain was going to burst from how much information I was taking in and trying to process. I began to feel closer to God through these conversations and it was because God was working through them to send His message. I just had to be open and willing to hear Him.
A side note here. I would try to talk to my ex-wife about these topics to see where her heart was and hopefully help us grow closer together. These topics were always met with anger and sometimes what felt like disgust so I eventually stopped talking to her about God and religion all together.
I wish I could name every single person who has helped me on this journey. There are way too many to count AND there is so much to say about all of them. So, if you are reading this and you know that we have had conversations about God and/or religion in general, please know how much I appreciate you. Even those of you who do not believe in God, I still appreciate you!
There is something powerful that happens when we listen to other people to understand them instead of listening for ways we can shoot the other person down. I have learned so many things about myself through understanding other people. We really do have a lot more in common than people realize and if we would all slow down and just listen... you might be amazed at what you hear.
There is so much more to this story and pieces of the puzzle that I can't quite reveal yet. For now, I wake up every day and go to sleep every night with a deep sense of peace in my heart. That is what I have been praying for for years. AND I mean years! When I was married to my ex-husband, I used to cry myself to sleep every night praying that the gay would go away or that I would find the strength to be myself. For the 6 or 7 years of this most recent relationship, I struggled to go to sleep. I was always full of anxiety and depression and well... I ended up sleeping on the couch a lot and you guessed it... I cried myself to sleep. Some nights I would have panic attacks and couldn't move at all until I eventually passed out.
The point here is this...
In both of these relationships I had a moment where everything in me said to turn the other way and run. And I mean I can describe these moments down to the minute and the words that came out of my mouth when I spoke my concerns out loud with family and/or friends. But, I completely ignored it. I stayed and I was miserable (my ex-husband is an amazing man... he was not the issue). Because I didn't listen to God speaking to me. Had I done so, I may not have had so many sleepless nights over the last 15 years of my life. All I can say is I am listening now. Every morning and every night I study His word, I pray and I listen. I am learning that He doesn't always answer you right away and sometimes the answers come in shapes and forms that we don't expect. I'm learning and it feels AMAZING!!
I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life! Even through the health issues I have struggled with, relearning how to do this adulting thing on my own, adjusting to being a single mom... I wouldn't have it any other way. I have the most incredible family AND the best friends on this planet. I also know that God is going to connect me with the person that He has chosen for me. I know that my person is out there and to you I say... I'm here and I'm not going anywhere!
If you are facing something in your life where you feel you need a little guidance, I would be willing to bet you already received it. In what ways have you ignored that "voice" and what can you do today to get back on the right path? Take stock of your life and the people in it. What changes need to be made? You are ultimately in control of your happiness. What is one step you can take today to help get you closer to that dream job, family, house, vacation, etc.?
Until next time... The Joy is found in the Journey!!
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