Today's date is August 18, 2021 and the time is 6:30am.
I don't normally start a post with the date that I actually wrote the content; but today is different. Because today at 3pm central time, my name will legally be restored with the stroke of a pen and the last 11 years are gone just like that.
It's surreal to know that an entire history with someone you once shared a life with can be erased essentially with a signature. Saying erased may be a little dramatic, but that's how it feels for me. I have no idea how I feel about marriage moving forward in my life, but what I do know is this is my second divorce.
And I'm not looking for a third.
Does it mean I will never get married again? I have learned to never say never, but right now my priorities are God, myself, and my children.
I feel like I have learned a few things being married and divorced twice; once to a man and once to a woman. These are lessons I plan to carry with me into my next relationship because even though the timing isn't right in this moment, I do believe that I will end up with one incredible woman some day.
Top 3 Lessons I Learned (although there are many more...)
1) Don't EVER settle!
I settled on the gender the first time and the quality of a person the second time. I hope that everyone takes time to do the self reflective work needed in order to know when you are settling for less than what you deserve. I did the math and from the time my first divorce was final to the time I met my ex-wife was only a short three months. Three months!!! I was with my ex-husband for five years, we had two children together, and somehow my young brain thought that three months was long enough to heal. Not to mention, I spent those months hanging out with friends and family non-stop so there wasn't much time for me to process anything. And I had just come out of the closet for the second time. That was a messy time. Which leads me to the next lesson.
2) Take your TIME!
I believe most people rush into the next relationship to avoid feeling the loneliness that tends to follow a breakup. I say that because I hear my clients talk about this often and I have certainly felt my share of loneliness over the last five months or so. Those moments are rough. And I have learned how necessary it is to sit in it. It isn't to torture yourself although that is what it feels like. Use this space to become familiar with this feeling. It's the only way to become more comfortable with it. Some might be saying, "But why would I want to get comfortable feeling lonely?" and I would say that is a great question!
The purpose of getting comfortable with your more unpleasant emotions isn't so you will set up camp there. It's to help ease the fear and the overwhelm that seems to come along with loneliness. Our emotions teach us valuable lessons about our lives. Even and especially the unpleasant ones. How do you suppose we will learn those lessons if we don't do the work to get comfortable feeling all of our feelings?
I live in Oklahoma so I am used to hearing tornado sirens. Imagine if when these sirens went off, I chose to ignore the action I am supposed to take because I don't like the way I feel. That would be ludicrous, but it's exactly what we do with our emotions on a regular basis. When I look at some of the train wreck moments in my life I know so much of them would not have happened had I listened to the sirens.
I listen to my emotions now. In fact, when I do reach out to people in my life, I make sure I am not feeling lonely because I do not want to be a dependent person. Just ask my mom. Even she doesn't get a phone call from me if I am not in the right head space. Drives her nuts, but I know she understands.
Does this mean I don't ever unpack things I am struggling with in the presence of another person? No, not at all. What I do now and what I would encourage anyone to begin doing is to check in with yourself specifically to see if loneliness is currently paying you a visit before you reach out. Perhaps it snuck up on you when you weren't looking. If there is even a hint of loneliness hanging around, invite it out into the light and get to know it a bit. What else could this emotion be trying to tell you?
At first, I couldn't hang out with loneliness very long. I'd use one of my life lines; phone a friend, ask the audience, or ask the host, aka God and sometimes I would use all three up at once. Over time, I started to realize that I was able to sit in this feeling longer and longer. I now only ask the host because He is the only one who truly has the answers. It just took me time to trust this new relationship I have with Him. Well, it's new for me... not for God.
Please do not mistake my words for a false assumption that I do not believe in reaching out for help. I do believe fully in getting help when it is needed. Remember, in the beginning of this process I too had to reach out a lot more than I do now. I still feel lonely sometimes, but I turn to Jesus, I take time to participate in self-care, and the snuggles I get from my children are gifts from God to always remind me how much I am loved.
Take your time. Your future self and future spouse/partner will thank you for it.
3) There is a difference between making Commitments and making Connections
I really enjoy working with couples in my practice. I have learned a lot about intimate relationships through these interactions I have. Something that began to stand out to me early on, is that while most couples who come to therapy seem to be fully committed to one another, a good portion of them do not seem to have a connection. Sometimes, through all the talk therapy we realize that the connection they had at one point was only a piece of the connective puzzle and other times, we learn that a spark plug was lost along the way.
We can all make a commitment to something or someone and not feel fully connected to it. Think about it. What commitments do you currently have in your life that doesn't feel connected to you? Think about friendships that have fizzled out but you remain loyal because of time or whatever reasons you have, yet, you also recognize that you would be just fine if you never spoke again. And that is just one example.
We all do it. But not all are aware of the major implications this can have on their life. I know I wasn't. Until now.
I will strive to only make commitments to people, things, and activities that I feel connected to moving forward. And that absolutely includes my future partner in life!
I have complete faith that I have learned the lessons I was supposed to learn from these last two relationships. I will forever be led by my faith which means that God will be at the front and center of my next relationship.
I will be spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, and intellectually connected to my future partner. I won't settle for an ounce less and I don't believe anyone else should either! Check in with yourself now. Do you feel connected in all these ways? Are all these ways of connecting important to you? Are there ways you want to feel connected that I didn't list?
We don't need to be the same. Just simply, connected.
I am a hopeless romantic, at least some might say I am. So with that in mind, I pray that every single person finds peace and serenity first within themselves. I also pray that every single person finds that special someone who can love them, respect them, grow with them, laugh with them, and watch the fire grow in one another's eyes as you talk about the life you are creating together!! And my goodness please do not forget to have fun!!!
If you have a partner that you are madly in love with, pick up the phone and call them. Tell them!!
Have someone in mind you want to take on a date? Ask them!
Guys... life is short. Take the time to do your self work, learn to love yourself wholeheartedly and then if you desire to share your life with someone... get out there and be open to the process!!
Until next time... the Joy is found in the Journey.
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