According to the Meriam-Websters Dictionary, the definition of the word “forgive” is as follows:
Forgive
Verb
for·give | \ fər-ˈgiv , fȯr- \
forgave\ fər-ˈgāv , fȯr- \; forgiven\ fər-ˈgi-vən , fȯr- \; forgiving
Definition of forgive
1: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): PARDON forgive one's enemies
2a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital (see REQUITAL sense 1) for forgive an insult.
b: to grant relief from payment of forgive a debt.
Take a good look at the definition…
Is there anything the three definitions have in common?
What stands out to me is this way of opening ourselves up to release ourselves from the heavy emotions that we feel. To give up RESENTMENT is said twice even.
So why is it that so many of us have such a difficult time with forgiveness? Or why do people seem to sort of scuff at the idea that forgiveness is not for the other person?
I am going to go out on a ledge and say that perhaps that resentment is serving you in some way.
Serving me? What do you mean?
I mean, that there is something beneath the resentment that might be causing you to act out of fear. Fear of being hurt again, fear of betrayal, fear of looking or feeling like a fool… the list may go on and on, but ask yourself what is it that you fear?
I can think back on times where I remember struggling with letting go of the resentment and letting go of the pain. I thought that if I “let it go” it meant that the other person won.
I was wrong.
Some people have talked to me about how they feel if they forgive then it means they are weak. Some have even spoken about how they feel the other person deserves to be punished, that they need to endure some sort of consequence.
But didn’t we just talk about judgement?
That would be us going back and appointing ourselves the judge and jury again and we have already decided that we do not want that job. Right?
When I was in my mid to late twenties, I decided to forgive a man that had sexually abused me as a child. The abuse went on for years and I will be honest, there are times I still get flashes from things that happened to me. Those flashes are painful. Those flashes can cause feelings of anger to surface, especially as I have been able to experience motherhood. It is difficult to see your children at the same age you were when something traumatic happened to you and struggle to understand the how or the why behind the offenders’ actions.
In those moments, when the uncomfortable feelings begin to surface, I must be intentional about tapping into that part of myself that knows and understands the power of forgiveness. I sometimes will whisper “I forgive you” as a reminder that he no longer has control and that I am more peaceful without holding onto that bag from my past.
This is a great example of not having control over your thoughts but having control over how you respond to them. We always have a choice on how we respond. But do you know how to? Do you know where to begin?
I know I did not, but there was a point in my life where I was walking around full of rage. And I mean RAGE.
When I was in the Navy a shipmate of mine, a male, told me that he and some of the other guys feared me a little. I chuckled thinking he was joking at first. When I realized how serious he was being, I was disturbed. I knew that I presented myself in a way that was not exactly inviting to men, but I did not know I had gone that far. After this interaction with my shipmate, I began to pay more attention to my behaviors (see, I should have known then I would be a mental health professional some day). I noticed that any time I walked by a male, I would look down enough to where I did not have to make eye contact with him, but still be able to see him you know… just in case.
In case of what? I really had no idea at the time. But I did feel a real sense of fear that I had not been privy to before. And that scared me too.
Over time, I began to force myself to hold my head up and look every man in the eye that I walked by. For the men that made eye contact, I smiled and sometimes even said hello. For the men who were looking at the ground… who knows, maybe they were angry at women.
I had to get more comfortable being around a bunch strange men. Let’s face it. Being in the military means I was going to continue to be around men that I did not know all that well quite often.
At one point I let my guard down a little too much and was sexually assaulted while I was serving. That had more to do with me not trusting my intuition and that is a discussion for another day.
I do not regret making the decision to try and engage with more men around me. I am in no way a “man hater” or whatever it is that people call that these days. I have a dad, I have brothers, I have sons, and uncles and friends… I love men! I was simply scared of them for a while. It does not mean I did not forgive the man from my childhood. It just means that the trauma from that left some lasting impacts on me that I may have to “work through” for the rest of my life when those impacts are being felt.
The concept of forgiveness has always been about finding internal peace.
When someone has done you harm in some way, how difficult have you found it to forgive? What does forgiveness mean to you? Are there ways you actively practice the art of forgiveness? What does forgiveness mean to you? And here is a big one… Has there ever been a time in your life when someone has forgiven you that left you feeling speechless? What did you learn from that?
The song below is what was playing while I was writing this. I was feeling extremely moved by this piece and oh my goodness it is so beautiful!!! Allow yourself to take some time to sit with the music, reflect on forgiveness and ask yourself the questions above.
Feel free to comment below on anything you found helpful about this post. If you know
someone who might enjoy joining us in these conversations, please invite them along. We can all grab a good cup of ambition and motivation and get to work!
Until next time… The Joy is found in the Journey!
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