I often have conversations with my clients about what friendship means to them and every time I seem to hear a different answer. Isn't it interesting how one word or symbol can have so many different meanings? Take a piece of artwork for example. You and I can be sitting starring at the same piece of art; yet, see and feel the artwork completely different. We essentially walk away with a similar experience and at the same time; opposite.
So what does artwork have to do with the meaning of friends anyway?
Absolutely nothing!!
However, hopefully you can see why it might be important to ask another individual what they think it means to be a friend. Heck, what does it take to be an extraordinary friend?
I have this really unique position of getting a front row seat to people's lives. Not just the external lives people show, but the internal parts of a persons life as well. I always find it fascinating to begin working with an individual who is still figuring out what different relationships mean to them. When we begin working together, we take time to explore all of their relationships. Present, past and what they imagine their relationships will look like in the future. By the time we are done examining every inch of these relationships, these amazing people I work with seem to feel so empowered as they begin gathering the people they want in the arena with them. And every time, I seem to learn a little more about myself and what expectations I have in my own relationships with friends. I believe it is important to do a temperature check on this area often. As we continue to grow and evolve, so should our circle. And by grow and evolve, I don't necessarily mean grow in numbers.
I mean to grow in strength.
All of this has me thinking about the friends I have had in my life. I think about the ones that are currently a consistent part of my life and the ones I have yet to meet. I have a few things I would like to share with each group, but before I do, I want to encourage you to think about your friendships and what they mean to you. Which friendships feel strong and which ones need some work? Which ones do you want to begin and which ones need to end?
And don't stop there! Keep digging and ask yourself more questions to help you fully understand the 'what' and the 'why' behind each relationship.
If you feel stuck in your friendships, it's most likely because you have never taken time to understand them for yourself. Not what others think friendship means, but what it means to you.
So, with that being said...
Dear Friends,
I am truly so honored and grateful for each and every single one of you!
To my friends of the past:
When I think back on the kind of person I was growing up in my teens, in my twenties, and even my early thirties, I feel proud of the person I was mainly because I was a survivor then. I am proud of that because I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't been. That also reminds me of the friends I had (and some are still right by my side) and how blessed I was to have you and I didn't even know it. I mean, I probably did know it, but I sure did not appreciate you all as much as I do now. And who does at that age right?
It's so easy for me to bring to mind the people who were pivotal in helping me turn my compass in a way that changed the trajectory of my life. One in particular was the linchpin in my decision to join the Navy. That decision alone sent me on a wild journey that sort of feels like I am still on even after over 15 years of being discharged. There were some of you who would talk with me for hours on the phone, some that would drive around and listen to music, some that just acted silly at school with me just because we could. And then there were those who sat by my side during some of my most depressed days as a teenager making sure I didn't do anything "stupid" when the sadness sunk in. And finally, there was one friend from my past who knew I was gay when we were in the 6th grade. Neither one of us used that language to describe it though. We were two 6th grade girls and the best I could come up with to tell her was, "so ummm... I like girls. I mean, I like like them". She didn't flinch. She didn't skip a beat. She just said, "cool", asked me if I liked someone, I told her who and we went on about our day. From that point on, I had one person that knew my deepest darkest, most scary secret....
And she never told a soul.
This friend right here is someone I unfortunately do not speak to anymore, but I miss dearly. I am not sure how to get in touch with her either. Who knows. Maybe she will read this one day and I promise, she will know that she is that friend.
I had a few friendships later in high school that I felt comfortable enough sharing this information with. There were a few I thought I could trust and I found out quick how wrong I was.
This entire period of my life from small childhood through young adulthood taught me about trust. These friends taught me just how important it is for me to be able to trust others. And when I speak about trust, I mean EMOTIONAL TRUST & SAFETY. I have to know on a deep level that I can trust you with my heart and if I can't, even though I am sure you are a great person... well, sometimes it is what it is. Some people aren't for everyone and that's okay.
I want to thank my friends I had in the past, especially the one in particular because I could not have survived without you. At least, I can't imagine it being any other way than what it was. It's a weird time in life when hormones are raging. We grow so fast and before you know it we are spit into the world as "adults" and somehow we are supposed to know what that even means.
Sometimes I think I am still trying to figure this out.
Some people will talk about their past friendships/relationships as experiences where they felt "used". I like to see it more as... we helped one another grow up.
Thank you for helping me grow!
To my present friends:
Oh boy do I love you all so much!!!
I'm sitting here typing these words to a song that sounds like it should be in one of those films about girlfriends traveling the world together and I can't stop smiling!
I have the best group of girlfriends that anyone could honestly ask for!
I never was a girly girl. I tried to be for the sake of fitting in and even though I had many amazing friends growing up, it was far and few between when I had a group of friends who were all friends with one another. And even when that did happen, it always felt like something was missing.
Guess what?! I found the missing pieces!! Or maybe they all found me.
I have come to fully understand what friendship means to me through these beautiful relationships I have. And the first one is ACCEPTANCE. I believe we fully grow into ourselves when we are surrounded by people who accept us. And not just in that moment. True friendship means that you have an understanding that the person in front of you is going to continue to change. With that understanding you choose to be patient, loving, compassionate, and accepting of the processes we all go through to stay connected to who we are.
Friendship means having one another's backs even and especially when the other person isn't in the room.
Friendship means laughter and I am talking about the laughter that makes your cheeks hurt and your belly burn.
Friendship means being able to cry and not feel like you have to have a reason too. It also means offering a shoulder to cry on, a hot meal, a hug, or to be able to sit in silence with them.
Friendship means feeling a sense of belonging.
I could go on and on about what friendship means to me... but I think you get the point.
I have found all of this and more in the relationships I have with some pretty amazing humans! A little side note. I realized recently that a majority of you beautiful people are all women, who identify as straight women, and you are all mostly married! If I had to take a guess at the reason that little pattern exists in my life it's because I keep being shown that you all are safe. You are safe for so many reasons but what is even more amazing... so are your husbands. And I adore every single one of them!!!
Gosh I hit the jackpot!!!
This current period of my life has been challenging. It has been anything but easy and I am grateful for that because I have also experienced more growth than I ever have before. I truly believe these relationships that have been cultivated with all of you prepared me for this time in my life and I mean that. I am connected with some of the most courageous, strong, intelligent, big loving, self caring, lgbtq+ affirming, funny, and compassionate women out there! You all spent the last 4 to 5 years filling me with so much love and I can't even tell you how much that has come in handy during the moments when I have struggled to feel love for myself. It's like you all created a reserve tank because somehow you knew I would need it.
And then there is my ride or die chick. Girl, the ways you have shown up to kick cancers ass has been inspiring. I feel like I have watched you transform in a lot ways over the last several years and part of that has been this new reverence for life you have. You seemed to have always had this pep in your step in the ways you have lived your life, but it's different now. I can't tell you how many times I would be feeling down about something, throwing myself a pity party, when a post of yours came up. Every time I would think, "if she can keep fighting so can I". You probably didn't know it, but you've been my spirit sister helping me work through the storm I was in because you chose to share your story and be vulnerable! I love you so much and I thank God you sat at that table with me that day!!
It seems difficult to find gems these days. How I ever ended up with so many is something that only God can do!
I love you all and I thank you for always being here to support me and love me!
To my future friends:
I haven't met you yet, but something tells me that some extraordinary people are being prepared to be strategically placed in my life and I in yours.
I'm excited about this!
I used to get nervous meeting new people. In fact, I would search for reasons to not go to events where I could possibly meet people because it meant I would have to talk to them! Crazy right?!
You see, the problem was never with other people. It was always with me. I was standing on shaky ground for quite some time in terms of my identity. It made it difficult for me to know who I was showing up as and so I chose to be quiet. I chose to shrink myself on a regular basis and act like I was the least valuable person in the room.
Because I felt like I was.
Now, I may not get an award for MVP but I'm sure the heck not going to be the quietest one in the room anymore. I want my future friends to know that I have fully connected with who I am and it's only because I connected with my Creator and began listening to His instructions. I know that when our paths cross one day it will be in His perfect timing. I feel so much peace knowing this to be true and I am so excited to meet you!!!
And when we have gatherings I most likely will not bring any of the food but I promise you I will bring the FUN!!
Until next time... The Joy is found in the Journey!
Comentarios