I've been thinking about my circus... I mean, my family lately.
Did I just say that out loud?
To be fair, we are a bit like a circus at times and one that I am thankful to be a part of. Life became a bit challenging there for a minute. It was a touch and go sort of situation and I have made it out on the other side in one piece partly due to their love and support. All of this has me reflecting on all the times my family has been there for me.
People who do not have the family system I have also come to mind. We are not perfect by any means, notice the reference to us being a circus at the beginning. But we love one another pretty hard and we have a lot of fun along the way.
I have been raised by two incredible parents. For the first 8 or 9 years of my life, it was just my mom, my older brother, and eventually my little sister. My extended family is quite large, filled with aunts, uncles, cousins, and once upon a time grandparents. If you add the friends that we view as family, the numbers just keep growing. When my dad entered the story, we were in what I would call a desperate need of a miracle. I would say that on the days my mom met and then married my father, were just a couple of times that God answered my prayers as a child.
My dad is a man of few words. He is soft spoken, kind, a bit of a goober, and has this calming, yet firm presence. My mom is a ball full of energy and always seems to have words. She is much more outspoken, loves to play and carries this almost silent but deadly strength about her.
I believe I am an even mixture of the two.
My older brother and I are basically the same person when it comes to our creative strengths and weaknesses. My sister is 6 years younger than me and my brother is 16 years younger.
And if you are wondering if he was planned. Yes. The answer is yes.
My little brother was born a month before my older one graduated high school. As one brother was leaving the house, we were bringing a new one in. That was a surreal experience!
It hasn't always been easy to stay connected to my younger siblings because of the age differences between us. Anyone that has a significant age gap between them and their siblings will be able to relate to this. Being the older sister, I felt some sense of responsibility growing up for the disconnect that was felt at times. The more I have grown and taken time to get to know myself on different levels, the more I understand that I couldn't have done anything differently back then. I was also just a child trying to sort through life in the same ways we all do. And being a teenager is hard. So, I let myself off the hook and it freed up more space for me to be more intentional with these relationships now. I still see room for improvement on my end, but I feel close to all 3 of my siblings and I feel that is a gift to be celebrated for sure.
As I think about my future, I know I do not want to live in Oklahoma. For the short term, this is where I need to be and where I will stay until the time is right. But there will come a time when I must go. When I think about how this is going to feel for me and for my family, a letter comes to mind and this is what that letter sounds like...
Dear Family,
I want to thank you first and foremost for being exactly what I needed at every single turning point in my life. Especially during the hard times. The moments where we fought and even the times we wouldn't speak for weeks and sometimes months at a time. Those moments taught me what it looks and feels like to fight for what you believe in; to fight for the people you believe in; to know what it feels like to be loved so much! I am able to look back at every challenging moment we had as something that was necessary for us to go through in order to grow to the next level within our relationships.
Thank God for these lessons because I don't know about you, but I am so grateful that I am not the same person I was back then, last week, or even yesterday. I don't relate to people the same way I used to, which is great news for me and for you. Life is a lot more enriched and fulfilling when we can walk this journey with others. When we can look into another persons eyes, see the fear and the beauty shine from within and walk hand-in-hand knowing that it's safe because you aren't alone. The world you are exploring is uncertain, but one thing you can be certain of is that the hand you are holding, is the hand of someone who supports you no matter what.
That's what I have with all of you and I know you will continue to support me along this adventurous life.
This is only my temporary home. I mean, come to think of it, isn't that what life actually is anyway? It's temporary and I believe if we live life with that in mind, we tend to approach life in more intentional ways.
I want to be more intentional with the rest of my life. I know where I want to go. I know who I am today and who I want to continue to grow to be. I have been able to accomplish a lot of things in life and I have done it all with you behind me every step of the way.
How lucky am I?!
One day, when I do move away, I know it won't be easy at first. Change is never easy. Even change that is positive. This family adapts really well to change. Our history proves that to be true. I just keep imagining how much we will have to look forward to when we visit one another and all the new and exciting memories we will be able to create!
Between now and then, whenever then actually is; know that if you catch me starring at you with almost a dreamy look in my eyes, it's because I am capturing the moment with you to take with me wherever I go.
I love you all so very much!
Until next time... the Joy is found in the Journey!
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