Attention versus Connection

Hey! Hey! Look at me!

Hey. Hey. Look at me.

Do those two feel different? Which one is looking for attention and which one is seeking connection?

Attention: 1) notice taken of someone or something; the regarding of someone or something as interesting or important. 2) the action of dealing with or taking special care of someone or something.

Connection: a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else

I wonder if other people look up the definition to words as often as I do. I don't always do it because I don't know what something means either. And at the same time I do look it up to see what it means. I am a writer, an author and I believe that the words we use are powerful. Changing one simple word can change the entire meaning of a message. That is some powerful stuff!!

Notice how each word feels as you say it. What images come to mind for you? What feelings are associated with each word?

To me, attention seems more like a verb. It's an action taken to acknowledge something that another individual has done. Connection seems more like a way of being. It's as much apart of us as being an introvert or an extrovert is.

I remember one of my supervisors saying something to me during my early training as a therapist that really changed the way I understand these two words. I believe the interaction I had with this supervisor that day solidified my transition from a "civilian" to a "therapist".

I use those two descriptions because when I was in the military there was a distinct difference between military personnel and the rest of the population. If you weren't in the military then you were considered a civilian.

I believe there is a distinct difference between people in the mental health field and the rest of the population too. When you do the kind of work we do in this field, it changes the way you use your senses and especially when you are with another person.

My entire life, I received the message that people who are "acting out" are "just looking for attention". Even some of what I would consider the most difficult people are not even looking for attention. I used to view people in this way and I honestly feel like it kept me from giving them my attention at all, or as much as I might have, had I understood this concept I am about to share with you sooner.

I was consulting with my supervisor one day about a client that I was struggling with and I made the comment, "I don't know for sure, but it seems as if this person is wanting attention" and I can remember saying it with a tone that carried a negative connotation. The tone was there from years of hearing it said this way to me or around me.

Her response?

"What if your client is actually seeking connection?".

What?! That makes all the difference!!

I sat there for a moment to let this new way of thinking sink in fully. As I did, this feeling came over me that felt relieving and was THE moment I felt like I became a therapist. That's the way I believe behaviors should be viewed. We are all seeking connection in some way.

Maybe it's time we all start seeing one another as human beings who are craving connection instead of someone on the opposing team looking for ways to some how take the spotlight off of ourselves. No, we don't all know the best ways to connect and I agree we all have some work to do in this area. But we need to start somewhere and perhaps the best place to begin is to think about how you plan to use these words, see others behaviors, and even your own behaviors moving forward.

The next time you feel as though someone is looking for attention, simply ask yourself how they might be seeking connection. See if it changes the way you see them. It might not change whether you feel you are able to connect with them, but I am willing to bet you will feel a shift in your energy towards them.

And guess what?

The best part is... it shifts the energy you feel towards yourself at the same time.

Who do you know in your life that you might be able to be more compassionate towards if you had the understanding that they are wanting to connect? There are going to be plenty of times we still decide that we can't connect with them for any number of reasons; however, when we change the words we use and create we have a deeper understanding, we can approach one another with more love and compassion. And that is never a bad thing!

Until next time... the Joy is found in the Journey!